So, dinner passed by normally, me and my mom didn't talk much (thank God) and stuff. But then after dinner on the way back to the car, it was raining and I walked through it to get to the car. But what I wanted to do was just cry and lets my tears mix with the rain. I don't want to live my life like this.
I want to choose how I do my hair, I want to be able to choose my own style, what I eat! This is supposed to be MY life. SO I already practically run my house back where I live 'cause my mother is way too busy with work, I clean I take care of my brother, I do my work for school, I write extra as well, working on my own projects and some posted stuff. As if it weren't enough now I have to go get religious lessons from my neighbor everyday for an hour. Then they want to control how I dress. I'm not gonna go around in mini-skirts and way too low cut t-shirts but apparently my mom doesn't get it. Wouldn't she rather I be honest with her as opposed to have to be myself and hide it from her?
My mother for some reason doesn't like any of my friends and is way too suspicious/protective to let me even hang out with the one who lives in the same city as me! I need a social life (well more of one) she already looks over my shoulder on my emails and MSN so I can't do that when she's around. So at least lemme hang out with a friend on weekends but nooooo!
And as me and my friend Mickey walked to the car (he didn't notice I had started crying cuz of the rain too) I got into my uncle's car and wi[ped my self off and I realized that this is gonna wear down on me eventually. Is there gonna be a point where my family forces me to think like them? I don't want that. I never will. Would it kill them to let me be myself?
And even now as tears fill my eyes again, I know I can't cry 'cause they'll be suspicious and be mad at me. FOR CRYING! My mom always says: "Cry as much as you want, I don't care, but go sit in a corner and do it silently."
And today, I was explaining something to my family and in front of them I have to put on a cheery perfect fine mask and be my random self - around my friends it comes naturally, I can actually be myself- so I got excited explaining and started using big hand gestures to explain. You know what my mom does?
Mom: Blake, what is all this? *makes hand gestures in a mocking way, copying me* Are you stupid? Don't do that and talk normally.
No one has any idea how hard it was to not burst out crying right there! I finished my explanation 'normally' and then went to the bathroom fixed my eyes again so it didn't look like I had been crying . Then I went back to the living room and pretended everything was 'normal'. And what hurts is, they don't have any idea what my normal is. I came to the sad realization that if I wasn't blood related to them, my family would probably look down on me the same way they looks down on my friends for the way they dress. It threw me into depression for a while and it didn't help much, but I know if I stay here any longer without someone who I can trust and talk to IN PERSON, face to face, I will go insane, or depressed, or just waste away, maybe even break under my family's pressure. I just hope that doesn't happen.
-Blake
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